How to Live in a Society

How to Use a Urinal

It’s not easy for a guy to take a leak in a public place. For reasons that escape me, men are given zero privacy in a situation where they are required to unleash their penises. They have had to be crafty over the years and develop a system of unwritten rules in order to ensure repeated safe trips to the dreaded public bathroom. Of course, some guys seem to be blissfully unaware that such rules exist. This is why I have to explain…..

HOW TO USE A URINAL

WHICH URINAL TO CHOOSE
So many wonderful options to choose from.  The only real rule here is that you CANNOT use a urinal that is directly next to one that is already occupied unless it is the only one available.  Personally, if there is only one urinal left, I will fake illness and wait for a stall to open up.  “Nah, go ahead man…think I might get sick.”  If there is only one urinal available with no one using the ones on either side of it, you MUST choose that one or risk me shoving your head in the toilet……after you’ve zipped up of course.

HOW TO PULL OUT YOUR PENIS
The most important reason we need a set of rules concerning the use of urinals is to avoid viewing other dudes’ penises.  So if you’re one of these assholes who starts undoing his pants and whipping it out from across the room during the approach, STOP IT!!  You must be completely in place directly in front of your urinal before the unveiling begins.

WHAT TO DO WHILE PEEING
1. Stay within the confines of your urinal!!  The following is unacceptable:

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Not only does your body have to stay inside the boundaries, but so does your gaze.  “Your” urinal space is the width of the urinal from the floor to the ceiling.  You may only look in this area.  DO NOT look to either side and whatever you do, don’t try to see what shape your neighbor’s dick is.  No matter what you find, you will be disappointed in yourself.

One more thing about space.  Your junk must not be visible to others if another pisser does commit the crime of looking in your direction.  Therefore, the distance you stand AWAY from the urinal is critical as well.  You must be nestled within the walls of the urinal itself to prevent accidental exposure.  If I can see your stream of piss out of the corner of my eye, take a couple steps forward, asshole!

2. There is no talking, PERIOD!!  Not even to your friends.  I don’t care about how hot the chicks are up in this bitch or how you’ve been in meetings all day.  In fact I don’t want to hear any sound come from you whatsoever.  No loud exhales, no whistling and absolutely no singing to yourself.  And what’s with the fucking farting?  I know, everyone farts, but would you fart in an elevator full of strangers just because none of them were women?  Why is this accepted in a men’s room?

 3. Keep your hands on your junk!!  Both hands must be used to properly urinate.  One hand holds and aims the penis, the other keeps your pants from getting pissed on.  You have no other options here. What is this putting one hand on the wall shit?  Having both hands on your hips?  If there are partitions betweens the stalls and you are resting both arms on them, you will get kicked square on the back if you’re in the same bathroom as me.

LEAVING THE URINAL
Shockingly I have to advise you how to exit a urinal as well.  Just don’t leave anything unexpected behind.  It’s mind boggling how many boogers I see directly above a urinal.  I cannot imagine what worthless pieces of shit are doing this.  Are they blowing their nose on the wall?  How can they risk picking their nose with the possibility of someone walking in at any point!?!?  And if they do pick, why not put it on the side or a little lower down the wall?  DIRECTLY AT EYE LEVEL?  There’s plenty of toilet paper all over this room.  If I ever catch anyone doing this in person, I will use THEM as my urinal.

I don’t know who’s tearing their pubes out simply by gently removing their penis from their pants, but if you drop one onto the lip of the urinal, you must get rid of it yourself.  Is there a hair magnet in the bottom of a urinal that attracts three inch long curly hair?  I would say that 70% of all urinals have one disgusting pube on it at all times.  Get your bush under control, people!

Stop putting shit in the urinals that someone else has to take out.  When you spit your gum in there, a cleaning crew has to come around and peel it off that plastic thing with their hands.  How does this not occur to you?  And the beer bottle in the urinal is a classy move appreciated by millions.

SUMMARY
You get right in front of the urinal, take your penis out without destroying your pubes, urinate while shielding your penis carefully with both hands, put your penis back where it belongs when you’re done, zip up, flush, back away from the urinal and pray you don’t have to come back.  The rest of society will thank you.

Tags: bathroom, choosing a urinal, humor, men's room, society, urinal, urinal fail