How to Live in a Society

How to Be at the Gym

All of us need to get exercise.  I think we can agree that it’s hard work and takes a great deal of dedication.  Therefore, it’s nice to at least have a decent atmosphere to workout in.  For the most part this is the case, but of course we always have a few douchebags that seem to ruin the experience.  If you are a douchebag, here are some tips that can help you to learn……

HOW TO BE AT THE GYM

ENTERING THE GYM
Do not announce your presence like an asshole.  You should slip in unnoticed.  What do I mean?  Are you already obviously drinking a protein shake as you walk through the door?  This is a sign to stay at least six pieces of equipment away from you at all times.

You are allowed a small duffle bag that is big enough to hold a shirt, shorts, a pair of shoes and a water bottle.  That’s all you need.  Some of these guys are carrying in bags that look like they’re leaving to join the army the next morning.  Are we supposed to think you’re strong because you have a big bag?  Something tells me in reality you have a small “bag” and that’s why you’re at the gym in the first place.

Have your membership card ready to swipe immediately.  It blows my mind how many people walk in, go straight the the scanner and THEN start searching for their membership card.  Three other people walked in right behind you!  Get out of the damn way!!

YOUR APPEARANCE
When it comes to what you look like, it’s really only the guys who need to worry.  Women can wear anything they want.  Not only is this perfectly acceptable by everyone, but half the place is usually aroused the second a woman walks in the door.  A girl could be working out in a fur coat and there would be some deviant turned on by it.

But guys, your mere presence disgusts most everyone.  There is probably some sort of mathematical equation that states that the number of square inches of bare skin showing on your arms is directly proportional to the amount of an asshole you are.  If you are wearing a short sleeve shirt, please go about your business.  A sleeveless shirt?  Please go fuck yourself.

There are two reasons you should have intercourse with yourself for wearing a sleeveless shirt:

1. You are trying to show off the biceps and triceps you are so proud of.  You think the other guys fear you and the women want you.  Neither of these things is true.  Everyone is doing their best to IGNORE you.

2. Armpit hair.  It’s bad enough as it is, but now you’re forcing us to look at it while it’s all matted down with sweat.  Don’t tell me your too hot.  Everyone’s overheated, but some people have a sense of decency.  Plus, the hair traps body odor so you smell like a bum’s nutsack.  Wearing a sleeveless shirt exposes this putrid smell to everyone else.  Cover that disgusting shit up.

And guys, if you show up in a tank top I usually grab a 50 pound barbell, hold it in front of me about chest high, get a running start and push you into the glass mirror.  This kills two birds with one stone because it breaks the mirror so all the guys with small dicks can’t flex in it.

DURING YOUR WORKOUT
I need to ask the douchebags a question.  What’s with the god damn screaming?  It’s only the meatheads doing this.  You never see a medium sized guy yelling out as he completes a set of bench presses.  I’m assuming the scream is to let everyone know how much weight you are attempting to lift.  Once again, not impressed.  You want to impress me, fill up your water bottle without standing in front of BOTH water fountains.

The screaming inevitably leads to the dropping of the weights.  This time the loud noise startles people, so if we weren’t paying attention to your screaming, we will surely take notice of how superior you are now.  NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU!!!  If the weight is so heavy, you have to drop it, you don’t need to be lifting it.  You’re already huge and still everyone you meet hates you.  Getting stronger won’t change that.  Give it up, loser!

BE COURTEOUS
Screaming and dropping weights are the most extreme examples of douchebaggery, but there are also many more subtle things you can do to not offend the entire building.

1. Put the weights back where they belong.  Every time I go to grab a dumbbell that a normal person might use, it’s not there.  It’s sitting in the center of the basketball court or something.  This makes sense.  I realize you need to move to an area where you have a bit of room, but put the damn weights back where they belong.  This is like borrowing a lighter from someone and then just dropping it on the ground after you’ve lit your cigarette.

2. Wipe down the equipment after using it.  Not much to say here.  Get your ass sweat (swass) off my leg extension machine!

3. No working in.  “How many sets you got left?  You mind if I work in?”  Yes, fuck off!!  Wait your turn like you have to do with every other thing in life.  It’s never a hot girl asking to do this.  Always some Jersey Shore lookin’ jagoff.  Like I want anything that is currently touching his body touching my machine between sets.

4. Socialize on your own time.  This ain’t a Friday night at the club.  I shouldn’t have to ask a group of four dudes all leaning on the same piece of equipment if they’re using it.  Have this conversation in the locker room, but please be clothed, which reminds me……

5. NEVER BE NAKED IN THE LOCKER ROOM.  This one baffles me.  I’m standing there trying to put my jacket in a locker and suddenly there is a completely naked man toweling off eight inches away from me?  Of course he has a full back of hair as well.  What planet allows this behavior?  Boxers or underwear must be put on within six seconds of any towel being removed that was previously protecting me from your genitals.

6. Stop bothering the ladies!  These poor girls are at the gym to get a workout, that’s it.  Let them do it in peace.  Do you honestly think she wants to stop the elliptical to talk to a scumbag like you drenched in sweat?

I’m sure people meet at the gym occasionally, but over the course of time, not because of some stupid shit pick-up routine.  Most gyms have to have an entire section for “women only” so they can workout without assholes trying to rub on them or something.  Ironically, these women are likely at the gym in the first place in order to become more attractive to men.  They just don’t want you to engage them while they’re working on it. 

SUMMARY
Going to the gym is somewhat of a chore that people incorporate into their daily lives because it’s important.  The last thing they want is for their workouts to be disrupted by the actions of others.  Please, just walk in the gym, workout without getting in anyone’s way, be efficient and clean and go back home to your miserable family.  If you have done all this correctly, no one will have even noticed you were there.

Tags: douchebag at the gym, dropping weights, flirting at the gym, going to the gym, gym behavior, gym fail, humor, naked in locker room, working in a set