How to Live in a Society

How to Be a Bachelorette Party

This subject needs to be addressed because on many occasions, every single member of a bachelorette party sucks.  The bachelorette party can be a deceptive group who storms into a setting where their actions are not usually welcome.  Such an event can be and should be fun, but much of the time, those individuals involved in this pre-marital ritual make most people doubt everything they trust as a decent human being.  So, obviously, a lesson needs to be taught as to……

HOW TO BE A BACHELORETTE PARTY

THE ENTRANCE
You would think the President just walked in the room when a drunken bachelorette party stumbles through the doors of the shameful after hours bar they have decided to ruin.  Why do they always insist on being sooo obnoxious?  Usually they barge into the place screaming, “WOOOOOOO!!!!”  This is the first warning that they are about to severely inconvenience your night.  If they are all wearing feather boas or there’s an inflatable penis bouncing around, you’re truly fucked.

These ladies need to just waltz in the bar like it was any other night.  Why do they need all this attention and think anyone else cares?  The girls in the party just believe they’re having fun, but they are clueless as to how they are pissing off society.  Each bachelorette party has the requisite players:

1. THE BRIDE.  The “It’s all about me” veil tells us which girl is the one that no one can have sex with.  This is probably the highlight of the whole occasion for her.  Finally a night where she doesn’t have to deal with guys REALLY trying to get her in the sack.  The alpha male jagoffs will still hit on her, but the veil is a FAR better deterrent than the ring on her finger these mouth-breathers have ignored for the length of her engagement.

Most of the time, The Bride is in the proper mood and having a blast.  She really has to go out of her way to anger people, but she has a head start with the veil and handful of make-shift Caucasian penises.  Anyone else ever noticed you never see an inflatable black cock?

This girl has every right to enjoy herself and get loaded, but she shouldn’t dare tell me she’s entitled to something because some other guy failed to put on a condom and is now obligated to marry her.  When a bachelorette insists I buy her a drink out of nowhere because it’s “her night” I immediately grab one of her boobs.  Most always she will back down.  If she doesn’t……shit……I guess it’s game on.

In general, The Bride is the the only acceptable member of the party.  Her “friends” are basically forcing her to be obnoxious.  As for the rest of the party, they can rot in hell.

2. THE INSTIGATOR
There is always at least one girl in the group that needs to be murdered.  She is probably the maid of honor.  Although her intentions are good, she instigates trouble for every guy she stumbles into.  It’s very clear her friend is getting married.  I get it.  I don’t need her beer burps in my face screaming at me to buy the bachelorette a shot.  I will buy a girl a shot when I am good and ready to try to have sex with her. Not to celebrate the fact that she will never have sex with me, but with someone else for eternity!!

The Instigator is usually concerned with scamming cash out of gullible nice guys.  She wants free shit because the night has cost her $1,000 already in dildos, balloons, Life-Savers, cover charges and custom made t-shirts for the occasion.

Therefore, she is easily upset when every guy doesn’t cater to her every whim and comes off as a total bitch.  No one needs this attitude ruining their night.

The Instigator is also the most dangerous girl because men believe she is the most vulnerable to their sexual advances.  This is because she needs to pretend to be into guys so she can swindle them into paying for drinks.  Beware boys, she wants to have intercourse with you less than a corpse does.  She is obsessed with an agenda that no man can destroy.  I actually do understand that she has duties to perform that evening.  Therefore, if you are The Instigator, you can ask me whatever you want and I’ll be understanding ONCE, but when I tell you I’m not spending a dime on your group, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!!

3. THE ALIEN.  Bachelorette parties are littered with girls who have no business being there.  I’m talking about the girls who are NEVER in this particular social setting.  They are alien to the situation.  When you see an 85 year-old woman at a sweaty club, you can bet she’s been dragged inappropriately to a bachelorette party.  That’s not necessarily who I mean though.  When you encounter a woman with the raucous party who never smiles and has no drink in front of her, you can bet it’s the church-going cousin.  This chick is absolutely offended by being at the bar at all.  She doesn’t say a word and doesn’t make eye contact with anyone.  Every guy will try, but none will even be able to shake her hand since they are tucked into her armpits.

No one benefits from this bitch.  She doesn’t want to be there, so why make her uncomfortable and invite her?  Send her a card saying, “You’re dreadfully boring, so you understand why you will hurt our chances of tricking boys into spending money on us if you come.  Toodles!”  This woman is a waste of everyone’s time, even her own.  If she’s attractive, she’s just a trap to gather attention to the party.  Do us all a favor, Alien, and just stay home.

4. THE REST.  Basically the other members of the party are in charge of helping the bachelorette complete a series of ridiculous tasks intended to humiliate as many guys as they can.  Since no woman has ever approached a man in a bar in the history of time, when they first come up to talk to you, it’s disarming.  But the whole point is to get guys to do embarrassing shit.

Have you ever given a bachelorette a piggy-back ride?  Or given your only condom to a girl wearing a shirt covered in candy for no reason whatsoever?  It could always be worse.  Hopefully you are not so desperate for attention from females that you will do this:

Don’t you see what these girls are doing guys?  They show up, take up WAAAY too much of your night by conning you into looking like an idiot to the ACTUAL women at the bar, thereby ruining all of your game.  If somehow you manage to still get lucky, they have stolen your condom and are still cockblocking you hours later when they are already at home passed out on the toilet.

Ladies, I get that it’s all fun and games, but if I haven’t wanted to do the first 12 things you’ve asked me to do, I’m not going to do the next 12.  Take a frickin’ hint and ask the next guy if he will pose for a picture wearing the penis hat and drinking out of your penis straw.

SUMMARY
Bachelorette parties are out to have a good time, but are often unbearably exhausting to witness.  Many times these girls only want to be bought drinks and they think the occasion gives them the right to be obnoxious about it and interrupt your evening. If they weren’t so annoying, they would get what they want much more easily.  Shouting at me that someone in their group is getting married means nothing to me.  Explain to me in a casual way why these two make a great couple and, hell, I might buy a drink to honor them.  It’s certainly possible to have a great bachelorette party with style and class.  But for god’s sake, get that plastic penis out of my face and cut out all the screaming.

Tags: bachelorette party, bachelorette party checklist, bachelorette party fail, bachelorette party kit, bars, buying shots for girls, inflatable penis, shots