How to Live in a Society

How to Use a Drive-Thru ATM

Is there a greater sign of how lazy we have become than the existence of drive-thru ATM’s?  They are available 24/7 so you don’t even need to be responsible enough the get your ass to the bank during business hours.  Yet with such a great luxury out there for all of us, some of you of course, have to fuck it up.  Yet again, I must be the voice of reason and explain……

HOW TO USE A DRIVE-THRU ATM

POSITIONING YOUR VEHICLE
First things first, let’s get your car next to the damn machine.  Fortunately for you, the bank has built a yellow cement cylindrical blockade and placed it right in front of the ATM.  This post prevents you from crashing into the ATM, and let’s face it, some of you idiots would do so if it wasn’t there.  Unfortunately, it also prevents you from getting as close to the ATM as you would like.  You need to drive very slowly and make sure your driver side mirror gets as close to the post as possible without hitting it.  There should be about an inch between your mirror and the post as you pass it.  If you can’t do this, then withdraw your $20 inside the bank with the other seniors.  I don’t want you anywhere near the drive-thru area ever again.

Once you’re in front of the machine, you should be able to reach it without much hassle.  I understand that the post makes it a little difficult for the smaller members of society to get close enough to do this sometimes, so I’m willing to give some of you a break.  If you can’t reach it, then you have to lean out the window as far as possible even if you have to boost yourself with your foot.  DO NOT OPEN THE CAR DOOR UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!  The whole purpose of a drive-thru is so that we can create faster transactions.  Opening the door adds way too much time. If you have to open the door, you will have to probably take a step outside, which is as unacceptable as actually robbing the bank.

If you see the person in front of you leave the vehicle at the ATM, it is your duty to hit the gas and knock that person out of commission. Sure it will be hundreds of dollars in damage and dragging the body with your car will be inconvenient for about 50 yards, but the important thing is you will have conducted your business in a timely manner.

MAKING YOUR TRANSACTION
Once you are in position, your only responsibility is to do what you need to and move on as quickly as possible.  Have everything ready.  It should take no longer than 10 seconds to locate your card and get it in the machine.  If you can’t find your card and someone is behind you, you must drive away and you are not allowed to buy anything with cash that day.  If you don’t know your PIN, go home and re-think why you bothered to leave the house at all.  No more than 5 seconds should transpire between pressing Withdraw, the amount and whether or not you want a receipt.  You know why you’re there, do not waste other people’s time!

After the cash is dispensed, grab it, quickly count it and get it into your wallet before the receipt has finished printing.  That’s all the time you get.  If you need 20 minutes to find a secure location for your money, then set it on the front seat and put it away once you’re on the road.  I’d rather have you driving recklessly than taking up MY lunch hour organizing your life.

If there is a malfunction and you get an error message, remove your card and leave the premises.  Do not retry the transaction, it’s fucking broken.  And that’s another thing.  NEVER make a second transaction.  I don’t ever want to see you stop pressing buttons for 30 seconds, then start punching in a bunch of other shit.  Also, only the driver should be using the ATM.  If a second person comes out the back window to also take out money, everyone in that car probably only has moments to live because I will snap.

LEAVING THE ATM
The second that receipt spits out, press the button to return your card and begin driving away before you even have your arm inside the vehicle.  You CANNOT sit there for an eternity getting your shit together.  Haven’t you ever seen someone get their money and card, then sit motionless for a while?  You think, “Oh, the ATM must not have given them the right amount.”  Then you see the brake lights go on and they slowly creep away and you scream, “OH, HELL NO!” followed by a string of curse words George Carlin never even heard of.

SUMMARY
The concept of the ATM is a simple one, but it requires following a series of instructions on a small screen, so I can see how it would baffle half the world.  After using a drive-thru ATM once, you know how it works.  People seem to forget that they are a person in line when they are in their own private world of their car.  What we have here is simply a situation where it’s actually encouraged to just take the money and run!

Tags: ATM, ATM fail, ATM transaction, drive-thru ATM, humor