In the limo before a night of nauseating everyone

This subject needs to be addressed because on many occasions, every single member of a bachelorette party sucks.  The bachelorette party can be a deceptive group who storms into a setting where their actions are not usually welcome.  Such an event can be and should be fun, but much of the time, those individuals involved in this pre-marital ritual make most people doubt everything they trust as a decent human being.  So, obviously, a lesson needs to be taught as to……

HOW TO BE A BACHELORETTE PARTY

THE ENTRANCE
You would think the President just walked in the room when a drunken bachelorette party stumbles through the doors of the shameful after hours bar they have decided to ruin.  Why do they always insist on being sooo obnoxious?  Usually they barge into the place screaming, “WOOOOOOO!!!!”  This is the first warning that they are about to severely inconvenience your night.  If they are all wearing feather boas or there’s an inflatable penis bouncing around, you’re truly fucked.

There's always plenty of room to swing this thing around. It never annoys anyone.

These ladies need to just waltz in the bar like it was any other night.  Why do they need all this attention and think anyone else cares?  The girls in the party just believe they’re having fun, but they are clueless as to how they are pissing off society.  Each bachelorette party has the requisite players:

1. THE BRIDE.  The “It’s all about me” veil tells us which girl is the one that no one can have sex with.  This is probably the highlight of the whole occasion for her.  Finally a night where she doesn’t have to deal with guys REALLY trying to get her in the sack.  The alpha male jagoffs will still hit on her, but the veil is a FAR better deterrent than the ring on her finger these mouth-breathers have ignored for the length of her engagement.

Most of the time, The Bride is in the proper mood and having a blast.  She really has to go out of her way to anger people, but she has a head start with the veil and handful of make-shift Caucasian penises.  Anyone else ever noticed you never see an inflatable black cock?

This girl has every right to enjoy herself and get loaded, but she shouldn’t dare tell me she’s entitled to something because some other guy failed to put on a condom and is now obligated to marry her.  When a bachelorette insists I buy her a drink out of nowhere because it’s “her night” I immediately grab one of her boobs.  Most always she will back down.  If she doesn’t……shit……I guess it’s game on.

In general, The Bride is the the only acceptable member of the party.  Her “friends” are basically forcing her to be obnoxious.  As for the rest of the party, they can rot in hell.

2. THE INSTIGATOR
There is always at least one girl in the group that needs to be murdered.  She is probably the maid of honor.  Although her intentions are good, she instigates trouble for every guy she stumbles into.  It’s very clear her friend is getting married.  I get it.  I don’t need her beer burps in my face screaming at me to buy the bachelorette a shot.  I will buy a girl a shot when I am good and ready to try to have sex with her. Not to celebrate the fact that she will never have sex with me, but with someone else for eternity!!

The Instigator is usually concerned with scamming cash out of gullible nice guys.  She wants free shit because the night has cost her $1,000 already in dildos, balloons, Life-Savers, cover charges and custom made t-shirts for the occasion.

A typical Instigator's only goal is to recoup her losses from shit like this.

Therefore, she is easily upset when every guy doesn’t cater to her every whim and comes off as a total bitch.  No one needs this attitude ruining their night.

The Instigator is also the most dangerous girl because men believe she is the most vulnerable to their sexual advances.  This is because she needs to pretend to be into guys so she can swindle them into paying for drinks.  Beware boys, she wants to have intercourse with you less than a corpse does.  She is obsessed with an agenda that no man can destroy.  I actually do understand that she has duties to perform that evening.  Therefore, if you are The Instigator, you can ask me whatever you want and I’ll be understanding ONCE, but when I tell you I’m not spending a dime on your group, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!!

3. THE ALIEN.  Bachelorette parties are littered with girls who have no business being there.  I’m talking about the girls who are NEVER in this particular social setting.  They are alien to the situation.  When you see an 85 year-old woman at a sweaty club, you can bet she’s been dragged inappropriately to a bachelorette party.  That’s not necessarily who I mean though.  When you encounter a woman with the raucous party who never smiles and has no drink in front of her, you can bet it’s the church-going cousin.  This chick is absolutely offended by being at the bar at all.  She doesn’t say a word and doesn’t make eye contact with anyone.  Every guy will try, but none will even be able to shake her hand since they are tucked into her armpits.

No one benefits from this bitch.  She doesn’t want to be there, so why make her uncomfortable and invite her?  Send her a card saying, “You’re dreadfully boring, so you understand why you will hurt our chances of tricking boys into spending money on us if you come.  Toodles!”  This woman is a waste of everyone’s time, even her own.  If she’s attractive, she’s just a trap to gather attention to the party.  Do us all a favor, Alien, and just stay home.

4. THE REST.  Basically the other members of the party are in charge of helping the bachelorette complete a series of ridiculous tasks intended to humiliate as many guys as they can.  Since no woman has ever approached a man in a bar in the history of time, when they first come up to talk to you, it’s disarming.  But the whole point is to get guys to do embarrassing shit.

If you see a list like this, run for your life!!

Have you ever given a bachelorette a piggy-back ride?  Or given your only condom to a girl wearing a shirt covered in candy for no reason whatsoever?  It could always be worse.  Hopefully you are not so desperate for attention from females that you will do this:

If they get you to wear embarrassing shit and photograph it, you have been defeated.

Don’t you see what these girls are doing guys?  They show up, take up WAAAY too much of your night by conning you into looking like an idiot to the ACTUAL women at the bar, thereby ruining all of your game.  If somehow you manage to still get lucky, they have stolen your condom and are still cockblocking you hours later when they are already at home passed out on the toilet.

This girl is still ruining YOUR night!!

Ladies, I get that it’s all fun and games, but if I haven’t wanted to do the first 12 things you’ve asked me to do, I’m not going to do the next 12.  Take a frickin’ hint and ask the next guy if he will pose for a picture wearing the penis hat and drinking out of your penis straw.

SUMMARY
Bachelorette parties are out to have a good time, but are often unbearably exhausting to witness.  Many times these girls only want to be bought drinks and they think the occasion gives them the right to be obnoxious about it and interrupt your evening. If they weren’t so annoying, they would get what they want much more easily.  Shouting at me that someone in their group is getting married means nothing to me.  Explain to me in a casual way why these two make a great couple and, hell, I might buy a drink to honor them.  It’s certainly possible to have a great bachelorette party with style and class.  But for god’s sake, get that plastic penis out of my face and cut out all the screaming.

Yeah, this is what we want to see while simply trying to get through a routine workout

All of us need to get exercise.  I think we can agree that it’s hard work and takes a great deal of dedication.  Therefore, it’s nice to at least have a decent atmosphere to workout in.  For the most part this is the case, but of course we always have a few douchebags that seem to ruin the experience.  If you are a douchebag, here are some tips that can help you to learn……

HOW TO BE AT THE GYM

ENTERING THE GYM
Do not announce your presence like an asshole.  You should slip in unnoticed.  What do I mean?  Are you already obviously drinking a protein shake as you walk through the door?  This is a sign to stay at least six pieces of equipment away from you at all times.

You are allowed a small duffle bag that is big enough to hold a shirt, shorts, a pair of shoes and a water bottle.  That’s all you need.  Some of these guys are carrying in bags that look like they’re leaving to join the army the next morning.  Are we supposed to think you’re strong because you have a big bag?  Something tells me in reality you have a small “bag” and that’s why you’re at the gym in the first place.

Have your membership card ready to swipe immediately.  It blows my mind how many people walk in, go straight the the scanner and THEN start searching for their membership card.  Three other people walked in right behind you!  Get out of the damn way!!

YOUR APPEARANCE
When it comes to what you look like, it’s really only the guys who need to worry.  Women can wear anything they want.  Not only is this perfectly acceptable by everyone, but half the place is usually aroused the second a woman walks in the door.  A girl could be working out in a fur coat and there would be some deviant turned on by it.

But guys, your mere presence disgusts most everyone.  There is probably some sort of mathematical equation that states that the number of square inches of bare skin showing on your arms is directly proportional to the amount of an asshole you are.  If you are wearing a short sleeve shirt, please go about your business.  A sleeveless shirt?  Please go fuck yourself.

There are two reasons you should have intercourse with yourself for wearing a sleeveless shirt:

1. You are trying to show off the biceps and triceps you are so proud of.  You think the other guys fear you and the women want you.  Neither of these things is true.  Everyone is doing their best to IGNORE you.

2. Armpit hair.  It’s bad enough as it is, but now you’re forcing us to look at it while it’s all matted down with sweat.  Don’t tell me your too hot.  Everyone’s overheated, but some people have a sense of decency.  Plus, the hair traps body odor so you smell like a bum’s nutsack.  Wearing a sleeveless shirt exposes this putrid smell to everyone else.  Cover that disgusting shit up.

And guys, if you show up in a tank top I usually grab a 50 pound barbell, hold it in front of me about chest high, get a running start and push you into the glass mirror.  This kills two birds with one stone because it breaks the mirror so all the guys with small dicks can’t flex in it.

DURING YOUR WORKOUT
I need to ask the douchebags a question.  What’s with the god damn screaming?  It’s only the meatheads doing this.  You never see a medium sized guy yelling out as he completes a set of bench presses.  I’m assuming the scream is to let everyone know how much weight you are attempting to lift.  Once again, not impressed.  You want to impress me, fill up your water bottle without standing in front of BOTH water fountains.

There is no good reason for this man with a shriveled scrotum to be attempting to lift this weight

The screaming inevitably leads to the dropping of the weights.  This time the loud noise startles people, so if we weren’t paying attention to your screaming, we will surely take notice of how superior you are now.  NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU!!!  If the weight is so heavy, you have to drop it, you don’t need to be lifting it.  You’re already huge and still everyone you meet hates you.  Getting stronger won’t change that.  Give it up, loser!

BE COURTEOUS
Screaming and dropping weights are the most extreme examples of douchebaggery, but there are also many more subtle things you can do to not offend the entire building.

1. Put the weights back where they belong.  Every time I go to grab a dumbbell that a normal person might use, it’s not there.  It’s sitting in the center of the basketball court or something.  This makes sense.  I realize you need to move to an area where you have a bit of room, but put the damn weights back where they belong.  This is like borrowing a lighter from someone and then just dropping it on the ground after you’ve lit your cigarette.

2. Wipe down the equipment after using it.  Not much to say here.  Get your ass sweat (swass) off my leg extension machine!

3. No working in.  “How many sets you got left?  You mind if I work in?”  Yes, fuck off!!  Wait your turn like you have to do with every other thing in life.  It’s never a hot girl asking to do this.  Always some Jersey Shore lookin’ jagoff.  Like I want anything that is currently touching his body touching my machine between sets.

4. Socialize on your own time.  This ain’t a Friday night at the club.  I shouldn’t have to ask a group of four dudes all leaning on the same piece of equipment if they’re using it.  Have this conversation in the locker room, but please be clothed, which reminds me……

5. NEVER BE NAKED IN THE LOCKER ROOM.  This one baffles me.  I’m standing there trying to put my jacket in a locker and suddenly there is a completely naked man toweling off eight inches away from me?  Of course he has a full back of hair as well.  What planet allows this behavior?  Boxers or underwear must be put on within six seconds of any towel being removed that was previously protecting me from your genitals.

6. Stop bothering the ladies!  These poor girls are at the gym to get a workout, that’s it.  Let them do it in peace.  Do you honestly think she wants to stop the elliptical to talk to a scumbag like you drenched in sweat?

"So whatcha doin' there? Workin' out? Niiiice!!"

I’m sure people meet at the gym occasionally, but over the course of time, not because of some stupid shit pick-up routine.  Most gyms have to have an entire section for “women only” so they can workout without assholes trying to rub on them or something.  Ironically, these women are likely at the gym in the first place in order to become more attractive to men.  They just don’t want you to engage them while they’re working on it. 

SUMMARY
Going to the gym is somewhat of a chore that people incorporate into their daily lives because it’s important.  The last thing they want is for their workouts to be disrupted by the actions of others.  Please, just walk in the gym, workout without getting in anyone’s way, be efficient and clean and go back home to your miserable family.  If you have done all this correctly, no one will have even noticed you were there.

Sometimes a child has to take over when a mentally inferior parent pulls up to the ATM

Is there a greater sign of how lazy we have become than the existence of drive-thru ATM’s?  They are available 24/7 so you don’t even need to be responsible enough the get your ass to the bank during business hours.  Yet with such a great luxury out there for all of us, some of you of course, have to fuck it up.  Yet again, I must be the voice of reason and explain……

HOW TO USE A DRIVE-THRU ATM

POSITIONING YOUR VEHICLE
First things first, let’s get your car next to the damn machine.  Fortunately for you, the bank has built a yellow cement cylindrical blockade and placed it right in front of the ATM.  This post prevents you from crashing into the ATM, and let’s face it, some of you idiots would do so if it wasn’t there.  Unfortunately, it also prevents you from getting as close to the ATM as you would like.  You need to drive very slowly and make sure your driver side mirror gets as close to the post as possible without hitting it.  There should be about an inch between your mirror and the post as you pass it.  If you can’t do this, then withdraw your $20 inside the bank with the other seniors.  I don’t want you anywhere near the drive-thru area ever again.

Once you’re in front of the machine, you should be able to reach it without much hassle.  I understand that the post makes it a little difficult for the smaller members of society to get close enough to do this sometimes, so I’m willing to give some of you a break.  If you can’t reach it, then you have to lean out the window as far as possible even if you have to boost yourself with your foot.  DO NOT OPEN THE CAR DOOR UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!  The whole purpose of a drive-thru is so that we can create faster transactions.  Opening the door adds way too much time. If you have to open the door, you will have to probably take a step outside, which is as unacceptable as actually robbing the bank.

How is this asshole reaching the ATM without ruining my day?

If you see the person in front of you leave the vehicle at the ATM, it is your duty to hit the gas and knock that person out of commission. Sure it will be hundreds of dollars in damage and dragging the body with your car will be inconvenient for about 50 yards, but the important thing is you will have conducted your business in a timely manner.

MAKING YOUR TRANSACTION
Once you are in position, your only responsibility is to do what you need to and move on as quickly as possible.  Have everything ready.  It should take no longer than 10 seconds to locate your card and get it in the machine.  If you can’t find your card and someone is behind you, you must drive away and you are not allowed to buy anything with cash that day.  If you don’t know your PIN, go home and re-think why you bothered to leave the house at all.  No more than 5 seconds should transpire between pressing Withdraw, the amount and whether or not you want a receipt.  You know why you’re there, do not waste other people’s time!

After the cash is dispensed, grab it, quickly count it and get it into your wallet before the receipt has finished printing.  That’s all the time you get.  If you need 20 minutes to find a secure location for your money, then set it on the front seat and put it away once you’re on the road.  I’d rather have you driving recklessly than taking up MY lunch hour organizing your life.

If there is a malfunction and you get an error message, remove your card and leave the premises.  Do not retry the transaction, it’s fucking broken.  And that’s another thing.  NEVER make a second transaction.  I don’t ever want to see you stop pressing buttons for 30 seconds, then start punching in a bunch of other shit.  Also, only the driver should be using the ATM.  If a second person comes out the back window to also take out money, everyone in that car probably only has moments to live because I will snap.

LEAVING THE ATM
The second that receipt spits out, press the button to return your card and begin driving away before you even have your arm inside the vehicle.  You CANNOT sit there for an eternity getting your shit together.  Haven’t you ever seen someone get their money and card, then sit motionless for a while?  You think, “Oh, the ATM must not have given them the right amount.”  Then you see the brake lights go on and they slowly creep away and you scream, “OH, HELL NO!” followed by a string of curse words George Carlin never even heard of.

SUMMARY
The concept of the ATM is a simple one, but it requires following a series of instructions on a small screen, so I can see how it would baffle half the world.  After using a drive-thru ATM once, you know how it works.  People seem to forget that they are a person in line when they are in their own private world of their car.  What we have here is simply a situation where it’s actually encouraged to just take the money and run!

What's wrong with this picture? Too few urinals between the man and the bunny with the briefcase. And get those hands off your damn hips!

It’s not easy for a guy to take a leak in a public place. For reasons that escape me, men are given zero privacy in a situation where they are required to unleash their penises. They have had to be crafty over the years and develop a system of unwritten rules in order to ensure repeated safe trips to the dreaded public bathroom. Of course, some guys seem to be blissfully unaware that such rules exist. This is why I have to explain…..

HOW TO USE A URINAL

WHICH URINAL TO CHOOSE
So many wonderful options to choose from.  The only real rule here is that you CANNOT use a urinal that is directly next to one that is already occupied unless it is the only one available.  Personally, if there is only one urinal left, I will fake illness and wait for a stall to open up.  “Nah, go ahead man…think I might get sick.”  If there is only one urinal available with no one using the ones on either side of it, you MUST choose that one or risk me shoving your head in the toilet……after you’ve zipped up of course.

HOW TO PULL OUT YOUR PENIS
The most important reason we need a set of rules concerning the use of urinals is to avoid viewing other dudes’ penises.  So if you’re one of these assholes who starts undoing his pants and whipping it out from across the room during the approach, STOP IT!!  You must be completely in place directly in front of your urinal before the unveiling begins.

WHAT TO DO WHILE PEEING
1. Stay within the confines of your urinal!!  The following is unacceptable:

Too wide

Too curious

Too thirsty

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Not only does your body have to stay inside the boundaries, but so does your gaze.  “Your” urinal space is the width of the urinal from the floor to the ceiling.  You may only look in this area.  DO NOT look to either side and whatever you do, don’t try to see what shape your neighbor’s dick is.  No matter what you find, you will be disappointed in yourself.

One more thing about space.  Your junk must not be visible to others if another pisser does commit the crime of looking in your direction.  Therefore, the distance you stand AWAY from the urinal is critical as well.  You must be nestled within the walls of the urinal itself to prevent accidental exposure.  If I can see your stream of piss out of the corner of my eye, take a couple steps forward, asshole!

2. There is no talking, PERIOD!!  Not even to your friends.  I don’t care about how hot the chicks are up in this bitch or how you’ve been in meetings all day.  In fact I don’t want to hear any sound come from you whatsoever.  No loud exhales, no whistling and absolutely no singing to yourself.  And what’s with the fucking farting?  I know, everyone farts, but would you fart in an elevator full of strangers just because none of them were women?  Why is this accepted in a men’s room?

 3. Keep your hands on your junk!!  Both hands must be used to properly urinate.  One hand holds and aims the penis, the other keeps your pants from getting pissed on.  You have no other options here. What is this putting one hand on the wall shit?  Having both hands on your hips?  If there are partitions betweens the stalls and you are resting both arms on them, you will get kicked square on the back if you’re in the same bathroom as me.

LEAVING THE URINAL
Shockingly I have to advise you how to exit a urinal as well.  Just don’t leave anything unexpected behind.  It’s mind boggling how many boogers I see directly above a urinal.  I cannot imagine what worthless pieces of shit are doing this.  Are they blowing their nose on the wall?  How can they risk picking their nose with the possibility of someone walking in at any point!?!?  And if they do pick, why not put it on the side or a little lower down the wall?  DIRECTLY AT EYE LEVEL?  There’s plenty of toilet paper all over this room.  If I ever catch anyone doing this in person, I will use THEM as my urinal.

I don’t know who’s tearing their pubes out simply by gently removing their penis from their pants, but if you drop one onto the lip of the urinal, you must get rid of it yourself.  Is there a hair magnet in the bottom of a urinal that attracts three inch long curly hair?  I would say that 70% of all urinals have one disgusting pube on it at all times.  Get your bush under control, people!

Stop putting shit in the urinals that someone else has to take out.  When you spit your gum in there, a cleaning crew has to come around and peel it off that plastic thing with their hands.  How does this not occur to you?  And the beer bottle in the urinal is a classy move appreciated by millions.

SUMMARY
You get right in front of the urinal, take your penis out without destroying your pubes, urinate while shielding your penis carefully with both hands, put your penis back where it belongs when you’re done, zip up, flush, back away from the urinal and pray you don’t have to come back.  The rest of society will thank you.

Has it come to this? I have to tell you people how to occupy space? What’s next? How to be a dead person? I can’t think of a simpler task on the planet than driving your car in between two lines on the ground and stopping it in an unobtrusive manner. But thanks to millions of idiots aggravating the world, I actually have to spell out……

HOW TO OCCUPY A PARKING SPACE

There are three fundamental aspects of parking your car in a civilized manner.

1. THE APPROACH
You must keep your car moving at all times. No delaying parking lot traffic hoping for a great spot to open up. This shit where you sit and wait for 42 minutes for some 112 year old woman to pull out of the closest spot must stop now! This ain’t the scene of an accident where we’re hoping to catch a glimpse of someone who has been dismembered. Get the hell out of everyone’s way!

I love these people who instead of just pulling in a perfectly good spot, they’ll wait like two full minutes to grab a spot that’s like 15 feet closer.  You could be in and out of the DMV in the time people are willing to wait to park. If you aren’t sure if someone’s leaving, tough shit. Circle around again. Bottom line, keep moving and stop clogging the lot!

Absolutely under no circumstances are you to back into a parking space.  Maybe I’ll allow this if it’s your own driveway.  It wastes too much precious time.  People are trying to get inside to buy Season 3 of “Mama’s Family” and you’re throwing everyone off their games with stunt maneuvers?  How stupid is this anyway?  It’s infinitely easier to back out from between two painted lines than it is to back in to the relatively small space between the painted lines.

2. ACTUALLY PARKING THE CAR
A miracle has occurred and you’ve found a suitable location to store your vehicle for a short time.  All that really matters here is making sure you are in the center of the designated spot.  And I mean PERFECTLY in the center!  This judgment can be made by any individual who has driven a car more than four minutes in their lifetime.  If you seriously have trouble doing this, get your ass to a Pearle Vision or surrender your license to a grown up.  If you have a new vehicle that is a different size than you’re used to, the back row of spots that’s three blocks away from the Target you’re going to was designed for you.  You’re too dangerous at this point.

Parking is like the game Operation.  If any part of your car comes even close to the line on the sides or in front of you, you are an asshole and there should be a startling buzzer that alerts you to this fact.  This is really the most crucial aspect of occupying a parking space.  Parking on the line or even off-center and close to the line is a HUGE dick move.

You may be thinking, “But the person to my left was way over to the side, so I had to park off-center so I would have room”.  God damnit!  NO!  We are living in a society!  It is never about you!  You still must park in the center of your spot, but if the driver to the left has given you a small amount of room to open your door…smash the shit out of his door…twice!  You are still parked correctly, and you have properly punished the offending parker.  By parking off-center, someone is more likely to do this to your car, especially if I get within 50 feet of it.  I have often just pulled into a spot, slammed an improperly parked car’s door, then just driven off.

The front of your car must not extend over the line into the space opposite of you.  This causes the opposite car to be parked too far into the traffic lane and it’s vulnerable to being hit…which is perfectly legal in my world.  If your ass is really noticeably sticking out, it’s fair game to be side-swiped as far as I’m concerned.  Personally I enjoy driving past these vehicles with a switch blade out the window.  It makes a nice, long deep cut and is far more effective than simply keying a car.

3. LEAVING YOUR SPOT
Just get the fuck out.  There’s not much more to say here.  People want your damn spot.  If you sense that another moving vehicle is within 100 feet of you, it is your civic duty to get in the car, not adjust any controls, and just start backing out immediately.

DO NOT stop just because you see another car!  Keep slowly backing out and oncoming cars will be forced to deal with you.  In a parking lot you can still usually avoid disaster.  However, I’m willing to deal with a few fatalities if it means the world is getting in and out of parking lots just a few seconds faster.  Besides, by immediately backing out, you are alerting other cars that your spot is opening up.  They can then slam on the brakes causing a three car pile-up, but you’re on your way!

SUMMARY
It’s really not as difficult as the public makes it seem.  Just follow the above rules and we’ll all get along.  And if you’re the asshole who purposely takes up two spots so no one accidentally dings your door, tire slashing is fair game.  I like to saw the car in half to divide it between the two parking spots.